Consciously Cozy

a documentation of stuff that matters (and not)

Category: Uncategorized

doubting everything in me

Things have started to be better, financially. I have some projects going on, I don’t really have to worry so much about money for the next couple of months. I think.

What’s funny is, though, no matter how good things have become, I would still find a way to have self-doubt.

No matter how hard I work and no matter how difficult I try, I would still find a way to beat myself up.

What’s really strange is that I recently found that some people admire me for being brave, for taking action, for choosing the road less traveled. I never thought I deserve that kind of admiration, really. I don’t believe what they said either, sounded more like lip service to me.

My boyfriend adores me so much, never forgets to tell me how proud he is for me. On the other side, I really really can’t understand what’s it about me to love. Nothing about me is extraordinary, really.

I am happy, don’t get me wrong. But there is this void inside me that keeps telling me that I’m not enough. I wonder, what it is that makes it so hard for me to love myself.

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Sipping My Life Away

I feel terrible lately. Gue gak tau kenapa. Selama ini gue kira yang gue mau adalah freedom. Kebebasan buat ngelakuin apapun yang gue mau. Now that I already have it in my mind, freedom ga terlalu berasa istimewa lagi. Don’t get me wrong. Gue ga bakalan balik lagi kerja 9-5. No way. Tapi gue ngerasa kebahagiaan gue ga meningkat seiring dengan freedom yang gue dapet. Gue bingung banget kenapa sih gue itu pemalas banget. Literally pemalas banget. Olahraga males, kerja males, ngapa-ngapain males. And the more I do nothing, the more I hate myself. It’s easy not to love yourself when you’re 20 something with no income and low self esteem. Apalagi ketika nyokap suka maksa gue buat lakuin ini dan itu dan ini dan itu.

Anyway, good thing about freedom adalah akhirnya gue bisa kelarin beberapa buku di tahun ini. Gue baru aja kelarin salah satu buku tentang minimalism. Akhir-akhir ini gue ngerasa tipe-tipe buku kayak gini adalah yang paling gue suka. Bukan self-help sih, tapi lebih ke books that are looking for wisdom. Ada salah satu materi di buku itu yang bikin gue ngerasa shock awalnya. Sang penulis ngomongin tentang living without goals.

HECK.

Who on the right mind would live with goals?
But he does, and he said that he had never been happier.
I don’t know dude, you’re making me nervous. 

hard times

It’s been months since I resigned from my previous job. I was happy,….for a while. Until I started worrying about….money. Nothing more but money. I have lots of free time I can do practically anything, but here I am, feeling bad for myself. If there is one period of time when I feel the most doubt in myself, it’s these days. Now. At this moment. I could not even be brave enough to do a simple translation work. Until 23 years, all of a sudden I realize that I have no skills at all. I’m never really really good at something. I used to think I’m smart, at least I’m quite good academically, I also thought that I wasn’t bad AT ALL at becoming an auditor (my previous job), I also had no doubt that I would go smoothly climbing the corporate ladder, no matter how shallow it sounds like. I even had seniors tell me that I did a great job. I rarely had doubts about my capacity to work.

Then why now, all of a sudden, I lose my confidence in myself? I could not even perform an easy task without doubting myself.

There is this movie called Microhabitat starring my favorite actress E-som. It’s about this young woman named Mi-So who has been working as a housekeeper for the past 3 years and she makes 45,000 won ($40) a day. She loves drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. Her boyfriend wants to become a webtoon writer. Although she is poor, she is happy as long as she has whiskey, cigarettes, and her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the prices of cigarettes go up on the first day of the new year. Mi-So has to give something up and she decides to give up her apartment.

Such a simple plot but it resonates with me so much. Just like her, I am poor, but I don’t want to give up my value, which is (time) freedom. For her, it’s whiskey and cigarettes. And just like her, I love spending time with my boyfriend too. And if it’s not enough, my boyfriend is also struggling financially, just like her boyfriend LOL. But if she decides to give up her apartment, I don’t know what I’m giving up…

Do you know how it feels to see someone you love is hurting every single day, yet anything you do doesn’t seem to ease his pain?

I don’t want to be a superhero or some kind of a savior who save someone’s life. I just want you to smile again. I don’t want you to lose hope.

You were always there when I was at my worst. But when you are in the lowest point in your life, i am useless. I am a useless partner and I am not good enough.

my kind of luxury

2.41 PM Wednesday, reading my kind of book and sipping a glass of creamy cheap kopi susu at a small cafe in Kelapa Gading

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a beautiful day with my man 🙂

all at sea

Gue mau cerita aja hari ini.

Hari ini hari Senin. Beda kayak sebelum-sebelumnya, gue ga merasa anxious nenghadapi senin. Hari minggu malem kemaren gue sama sekali ga uring-uringan, dan gue tadi pagi bangun dengan perasaan semangat.

Apa yang beda di hari ini dibanding hari-hari biasanya?

Gue ga ngantor.

Iya, gue akhirnya resign.

Dan gue ngerasa amat sangat awesome. Gue ngerasa luar biasa. Gue ngerasa hepi banget.

Ternyata freedom rasanya kayak gini.

Gue nge gym sebentar, trus cabut ke Sarinah buat ketemu pacar gue. Abis makan di mcd, kita cabut ke perpustakaan Freedom Institute dan ngabisin waktu sekitar 1 jam disana. Abis dari situ, kita jalan kaki 10 menit ke Kopi Bu Lurah.

dav

Ngobrol-ngobrol sama pacar gue sambil dengerin orang main alat musik jawa, tiba-tiba gue nyadar..

Udah lama banget gue ga ngerasa sebahagia ini. Asli. Gue ngerasa bener-bener awesome. Udah ga kehitung berapa kali gue senyum hari itu.

Kopinya dateng, dan rasanya enak banget. Kita pesen kue cubit dan mendoan. Semuanya enak, dan murah. Abis dari situ kita pesen uber ke Kokas. Di situ kita jalan-jalan dan ngobrol ngalur ngidul. Kita nyanyi lagunya Jamie Cullum yang All at Sea sambil pelukan. I felt like I was the happiest person in the world.

Dari SMA gue udah suka banget lagunya Jamie Cullum, dan setelah bertahun-tahun gue belum pernah ketemu orang yang bisa gue ajak ngomongin dia, or Linkin Park, or even Jason Mraz. Ga ada satupun temen gue di dunia nyata yang tau betapa sukanya gue suka sama Jamie.

Dan sekarang ga ada angin ga ada ujan, tiba-tiba pacar gue nyanyi salah satu lagu favorit gue dari Jamie. Dan kita berdebat siapa yang paling suka sama Jamie. Gue ngerasa gue kayak di awang-awang.

Pas lagi ngobrol, pacar gue tiba-tiba bilang, “Gue mau bilang sesuatu”

Gue potong omongan dia, “apaan, jangan aneh-aneh. Gue udah deg-degan ini”

Sambil senyum dia bilang, “Gue rasa ini jalan-jalan kita yang paling gue senengin selama setahun ini”

Capture (2)

All of my friends are settling down

They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

I want an ocean view, somewhere
As long as I’m next to you, I don’t care
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

All of my friends are settling down
They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

Nothing ever changes here, I know
Another day, another year, same old
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

Setiap hari denger berita orang ngurusin hidup orang lain, ngurusin kelamin orang lain, ngurusin preferensi seksual orang lain. Setiap hari gue denger orang sotoy berdebat tolol tentang agama. Setiap hari gue denger orang-orang religious berkotbah seakan-akan orang di sekitarny adalah domba yang hilang, yang butuh diselamatkan. Setiap hari orang ribut di social media, ngomongin agama, ngomongin selangkangan orang, ngomongin semua hal-hal privat yang sama sekali tidak ada urusannya dengan mereka. Setiap hari gue harus tahan diri sendiri untuk ga ketrigger setiap ada orang-orang privilleged & ignorant mendiskreditkan nilai-nilai yang gue percaya. Setiap tahun gue harus memperhatikan temen-temen deket gue menolak untuk mengucapkan selamat natal ke gue. Setiap tahun gue harus menyimak semua debat panjang tentang ucapan selamat natal.

Kalian semua kenapa sih? Masing-masinh punya otak dan hati nurani. Kenapa sih susah banget untuk dipakai? Sudah tau agama kalian bertentangan dengan hati nurani kalian, kenapa sih harus tetap dipeluk? Apa sih yang kalian kejar? Surga? Makan itu surga. Tahik.

I deserve better.

I deserve someone better.

I deserve something better.

I deserve anything better than this.

nothingness

His uncle has just passed away. I don’t know how the heck can he survive through this constant sea of sadness and depression. I don’t know how I am able to survive either.

Honestly, I should’ve felt terrible now. But it’s not that bad. Maybe because half of what I feel is also numbness.

Come on life. Give more of your shits to our life. We don’t really care. Maybe it will kill us. Maybe it will make us stronger. I don’t really give a shit.