hard times

by Lolly

It’s been months since I resigned from my previous job. I was happy,….for a while. Until I started worrying about….money. Nothing more but money. I have lots of free time I can do practically anything, but here I am, feeling bad for myself. If there is one period of time when I feel the most doubt in myself, it’s these days. Now. At this moment. I could not even be brave enough to do a simple translation work. Until 23 years, all of a sudden I realize that I have no skills at all. I’m never really really good at something. I used to think I’m smart, at least I’m quite good academically, I also thought that I wasn’t bad AT ALL at becoming an auditor (my previous job), I also had no doubt that I would go smoothly climbing the corporate ladder, no matter how shallow it sounds like. I even had seniors tell me that I did a great job. I rarely had doubts about my capacity to work.

Then why now, all of a sudden, I lose my confidence in myself? I could not even perform an easy task without doubting myself.

There is this movie called Microhabitat starring my favorite actress E-som. It’s about this young woman named Mi-So who has been working as a housekeeper for the past 3 years and she makes 45,000 won ($40) a day. She loves drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. Her boyfriend wants to become a webtoon writer. Although she is poor, she is happy as long as she has whiskey, cigarettes, and her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the prices of cigarettes go up on the first day of the new year. Mi-So has to give something up and she decides to give up her apartment.

Such a simple plot but it resonates with me so much. Just like her, I am poor, but I don’t want to give up my value, which is (time) freedom. For her, it’s whiskey and cigarettes. And just like her, I love spending time with my boyfriend too. And if it’s not enough, my boyfriend is also struggling financially, just like her boyfriend LOL. But if she decides to give up her apartment, I don’t know what I’m giving up…