an update

by Lolly

I feel terrible lately. Terrible might not be the right word, probably….numb. I woke up in several mornings, feeling like shit. I feel that its not only my mind and my mental health that are deteriorating, it’s my body too. I feel physically very very weak. My tummy feels like its going to explode at any minute, I had several terrible breakouts (just when I think that i finally get the hang of my face skin), my hair feels really weak, it has lost its wave and shiny now, my skin feels really really dry. I really need to take care of myself. And I don’t know how to start…

Not to mention that my partner is having his depression stage again. I want to cheer him up and to support him and all, but I start to feel lost in the process. I feel like I’m going to drawn myself in the sea of depression and sadness. He needs to see me often, but I still have responsibilities in office. I can’t just take my annual leave whenever I want, that’s not how it works. I can’t also keep pretending that I get sick, I feel terrible lying and it’s not good for my career too (not that I care about it). In dark times I can feel myself wanting to give up,  I can’t support my partner when I myself is also lost.

Anyway, I applied for internal auditor position in one of the biggest e-commerce now. Still haven’t heard from them since last week. I probably should apply to another place, but I really don’t find working in office (big or small) fits me.  I think working freelance suits me better, I can set up my working pace the way I think is best, and I can also take care of my online shop again. Speaking of online shop, I feel that the biggest stress came from thinking of it, from planning it, from dreaming of it. I don’t know where to start, and I think I haven’t made any progress whatsoever… I believe this small business would help me for my plan in the future; live by my own. That’s probably the biggest dream i have now. If I ever get to live by my own in my desire apartment, I feel like I would be finally satisfied with my self. Maybe I would be able to do self-love, no matter how bullshit that may sound like.