No such thing

by Lolly

Akhir-akhir ini, di tengah kesibukan peak season audit, pikiran gue melanglang buana ke hal-hal lain. I know I don’t belong here, at all. I’m not bad, but I’m nowhere above average. Kemaren-kemaren di kantor lagi pada sibuk ngomongin performance review dan promotion. Gue udah lihat hasil review kerjaan-kerjaan gue untuk setiap client yang gue audit 8 bulan ini. Ada beberapa yg On Target, sisanya On Target+. Nothing special, yang lain juga gitu. Sebenernya ini lucu sih, karena gue suka berpikir kalo gue adalah orang yang ga akan jadi orang dengan performance yang rata-rata. Gue ga tau sih apa yang salah. I just could not find higher motivation to work. Gue ngerasa kayak kemampuan gue wasted aja di sini, karena yeah, i think i don’t belong here. This is not I want to do in a long time. Tapi kenapa gue masih stay di sini?

Yeah, gue pengecut. Gue masih takut untuk take that big leap and resign. Selain takut, gue juga masih ga tau mau ngapain dengan diri gue sendiri. Gue sebenernya udah punya gambaran apa yang gue suka dan pengen gue jalanin dari dulu, yaitu untuk bikin bisnis, to work for myself. Okeh, ini emang terdengar cliche abis sih, dan super basic. Karena, siapa juga sih di jaman sekarang yang gak pengen bikin bisnis?

Tapi yah itu, emang gue sukanya itu, mau gimana. Gue udah sempet ngerasain enaknya bisnis sendiri, ngebangun hisnis bener-bener dari O sampe jadi bisa ngelayanin ratusan customer. Dari gak punya duit sendiri, tiba-tiba jadi bisa beli apa apa tanpa kelamaan mikir. And it felt great, i felt alive. I felt like holding the world in the palm of my hand.

And it feels totaly different with what i’m doing now. I feel devastated, wasted. I feel tired all.the.time. I truly hate waking up in the morning only to realize that today is nowhere near weekend. I loathe monday, and on sunday afternoon i usually develop anxiety. On monday morning never I not feel nauseous. I depend on my coffee every single morning to calm my shit. These days I have been working about 16 hours every day, I feel like a zombie; working to build a company I could not care less and one who also does not give me a single damn.

Setiap saat gue melihat senior-senior gue yang termotivasi untuk kerja, dengan performa yang super tinggi, gue selalu bertanya-tanya, kenapa gue gak bisa kayak mereka. What am I doing wrong?

Kalo orang lain suka kepo mantan, atau kepo cewe-cewe cantik, atau kepo gebetan, kerjaan gue di intermet adalah kepo para pemilik bisnis yang udah gede. No, i’m not talking about the owner or a big corporation here. I’m talking about a young owner of a small business, who is growing. There is this girl whose business I’ve been kepoing for quite a lot of time. She started her small business a couple of years ago, and boy, did she start small. She sells cool underwear for women, and the business has grown so big that everytime she goes live in instagram, there are usually hundreds of girls to watch her. And no, she doesn’t talk about anything important, she just talks about her products, and all those potential customers listen. I’m truly amazed and i feel thrilled everytime i think of it. 

I am in this position where I don’t think money matters that much. Sure I still need all those money to buy all my expensive skincare product and all those money to install for my apartment, sure i still want to take my family to europe, but I think i’ll do it not by working here. Nope, nope.