Wai Nut

Do you know how it feels to see someone you love is hurting every single day, yet anything you do doesn’t seem to ease his pain?

I don’t want to be a superhero or some kind of a savior who save someone’s life. I just want you to smile again. I don’t want you to lose hope.

You were always there when I was at my worst. But when you are in the lowest point in your life, i am useless. I am a useless partner and I am not good enough.

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my kind of luxury

2.41 PM Wednesday, reading my kind of book and sipping a glass of creamy cheap kopi susu at a small cafe in Kelapa Gading

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a beautiful day with my man 🙂

all at sea

Gue mau cerita aja hari ini.

Hari ini hari Senin. Beda kayak sebelum-sebelumnya, gue ga merasa anxious nenghadapi senin. Hari minggu malem kemaren gue sama sekali ga uring-uringan, dan gue tadi pagi bangun dengan perasaan semangat.

Apa yang beda di hari ini dibanding hari-hari biasanya?

Gue ga ngantor.

Iya, gue akhirnya resign.

Dan gue ngerasa amat sangat awesome. Gue ngerasa luar biasa. Gue ngerasa hepi banget.

Ternyata freedom rasanya kayak gini.

Gue nge gym sebentar, trus cabut ke Sarinah buat ketemu pacar gue. Abis makan di mcd, kita cabut ke perpustakaan Freedom Institute dan ngabisin waktu sekitar 1 jam disana. Abis dari situ, kita jalan kaki 10 menit ke Kopi Bu Lurah.

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Ngobrol-ngobrol sama pacar gue sambil dengerin orang main alat musik jawa, tiba-tiba gue nyadar..

Udah lama banget gue ga ngerasa sebahagia ini. Asli. Gue ngerasa bener-bener awesome. Udah ga kehitung berapa kali gue senyum hari itu.

Kopinya dateng, dan rasanya enak banget. Kita pesen kue cubit dan mendoan. Semuanya enak, dan murah. Abis dari situ kita pesen uber ke Kokas. Di situ kita jalan-jalan dan ngobrol ngalur ngidul. Kita nyanyi lagunya Jamie Cullum yang All at Sea sambil pelukan. I felt like I was the happiest person in the world.

Dari SMA gue udah suka banget lagunya Jamie Cullum, dan setelah bertahun-tahun gue belum pernah ketemu orang yang bisa gue ajak ngomongin dia, or Linkin Park, or even Jason Mraz. Ga ada satupun temen gue di dunia nyata yang tau betapa sukanya gue suka sama Jamie.

Dan sekarang ga ada angin ga ada ujan, tiba-tiba pacar gue nyanyi salah satu lagu favorit gue dari Jamie. Dan kita berdebat siapa yang paling suka sama Jamie. Gue ngerasa gue kayak di awang-awang.

Pas lagi ngobrol, pacar gue tiba-tiba bilang, “Gue mau bilang sesuatu”

Gue potong omongan dia, “apaan, jangan aneh-aneh. Gue udah deg-degan ini”

Sambil senyum dia bilang, “Gue rasa ini jalan-jalan kita yang paling gue senengin selama setahun ini”

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All of my friends are settling down

They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

I want an ocean view, somewhere
As long as I’m next to you, I don’t care
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

All of my friends are settling down
They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

Nothing ever changes here, I know
Another day, another year, same old
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

Setiap hari denger berita orang ngurusin hidup orang lain, ngurusin kelamin orang lain, ngurusin preferensi seksual orang lain. Setiap hari gue denger orang sotoy berdebat tolol tentang agama. Setiap hari gue denger orang-orang religious berkotbah seakan-akan orang di sekitarny adalah domba yang hilang, yang butuh diselamatkan. Setiap hari orang ribut di social media, ngomongin agama, ngomongin selangkangan orang, ngomongin semua hal-hal privat yang sama sekali tidak ada urusannya dengan mereka. Setiap hari gue harus tahan diri sendiri untuk ga ketrigger setiap ada orang-orang privilleged & ignorant mendiskreditkan nilai-nilai yang gue percaya. Setiap tahun gue harus memperhatikan temen-temen deket gue menolak untuk mengucapkan selamat natal ke gue. Setiap tahun gue harus menyimak semua debat panjang tentang ucapan selamat natal.

Kalian semua kenapa sih? Masing-masinh punya otak dan hati nurani. Kenapa sih susah banget untuk dipakai? Sudah tau agama kalian bertentangan dengan hati nurani kalian, kenapa sih harus tetap dipeluk? Apa sih yang kalian kejar? Surga? Makan itu surga. Tahik.

I deserve better.

I deserve someone better.

I deserve something better.

I deserve anything better than this.

nothingness

His uncle has just passed away. I don’t know how the heck can he survive through this constant sea of sadness and depression. I don’t know how I am able to survive either.

Honestly, I should’ve felt terrible now. But it’s not that bad. Maybe because half of what I feel is also numbness.

Come on life. Give more of your shits to our life. We don’t really care. Maybe it will kill us. Maybe it will make us stronger. I don’t really give a shit.

an update

I feel terrible lately. Terrible might not be the right word, probably….numb. I woke up in several mornings, feeling like shit. I feel that its not only my mind and my mental health that are deteriorating, it’s my body too. I feel physically very very weak. My tummy feels like its going to explode at any minute, I had several terrible breakouts (just when I think that i finally get the hang of my face skin), my hair feels really weak, it has lost its wave and shiny now, my skin feels really really dry. I really need to take care of myself. And I don’t know how to start…

Not to mention that my partner is having his depression stage again. I want to cheer him up and to support him and all, but I start to feel lost in the process. I feel like I’m going to drawn myself in the sea of depression and sadness. He needs to see me often, but I still have responsibilities in office. I can’t just take my annual leave whenever I want, that’s not how it works. I can’t also keep pretending that I get sick, I feel terrible lying and it’s not good for my career too (not that I care about it). In dark times I can feel myself wanting to give up,  I can’t support my partner when I myself is also lost.

Anyway, I applied for internal auditor position in one of the biggest e-commerce now. Still haven’t heard from them since last week. I probably should apply to another place, but I really don’t find working in office (big or small) fits me.  I think working freelance suits me better, I can set up my working pace the way I think is best, and I can also take care of my online shop again. Speaking of online shop, I feel that the biggest stress came from thinking of it, from planning it, from dreaming of it. I don’t know where to start, and I think I haven’t made any progress whatsoever… I believe this small business would help me for my plan in the future; live by my own. That’s probably the biggest dream i have now. If I ever get to live by my own in my desire apartment, I feel like I would be finally satisfied with my self. Maybe I would be able to do self-love, no matter how bullshit that may sound like.

The fall

I spent the entire day with my parner. When he was going home, i felt my heart sunk a little bit. I took a shower. I wore my sheet mask. I ordered some food. I tried to watch Narcos, but the show failed to interest me.

I scrolled through my instagram feed and found that my favorite couple just got enganged today, after a 7 year relationship. Suddenly I was afraid of my future, i started seeing no future with my partner. Things have been going great, but today I find myself feeling numb. Even after being intimate with each other, i still find that something is missing. The last 7 days I started feel the boredom. I’ve seen relationships so bad that I feel like me and my partner are different. We are good and we’re going to be okay, i thought.

But we’re not, now. Our future feels blurry, I can’t see the picture of us in the future. I feel like a blind person guiding a blind person. I feel lost, not just in relationship, but also in other aspects of my life. 

Tonight, I started crying for no reason. For the first time in months, I just feel so lonely. Maybe my depression fase will start soon. I dont know how to prepare myself for this.

About living alone

I’ve always had this dream about moving out of my parents’ house and live by my own in an apartment. Now that I have my partner by my side, I’ve started adding him to the big picture. Perhaps we can start live together? I dont know, maybe it’s the right time to start paying the apartment installment together? We’re almost 2 years together, and I’m pretty sure we’re compatible enough to start living together. I want to know him enough before I get married to him. I don’t want my marriage turn to be a big surprise for me.

Beside, I want more freedom. I hate having to inform my father what time i would go home, where and with who i am going. I hate having to pretend going to church every sunday when in fact i never feel like going there, at all. I want to have a pupper as my pet, but it’s not going to happen as long as i still live with my parents.

And the most important thing, I want to feel like an adult. An adult who knows how to take care of herself. An adult who knows what she wants to do and how to make the best of it. An adult who doesnt need anyone’s permission to do what she wants. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine (one whose wisdom i actually admire) said to me that he had a plan to move out of his parents house and rent an apartment together with his girlfriend. His relationship had just started (probably for 2 or 3 months), so his words kinda surprised me back then. I knew him as a wise man, a man who doesnt do something without thorough thinking. I personally thought that living together was to early for a young relationship, and i thought it could turn ugly someday. Moreover, i did not think he was that serious.

Until earlier this morning, i found out that he actually has just did it! I’m proud of him, but at the same time i feel bad for myself. I mean, i am the one who has that dream for so long, and my relationship has also been longer than his, shouldnt it be me who actually did that big step first?

See, sometimes you have that friend who actually achieves things you actually consider important, and he/she does it without telling everything under the sun. He/she just does it, easy and ellegantly.

And here I am, with my dreams on the back of my mind, thinking and thinking of them every minute I am alone, but does, does literally nothing to achieve them.