a beautiful mess

Protected: I had enough of this

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I deserve better.

I deserve someone better.

I deserve something better.

I deserve anything better than this.

nothingness

His uncle has just passed away. I don’t know how the heck can he survive through this constant sea of sadness and depression. I don’t know how I am able to survive either.

Honestly, I should’ve felt terrible now. But it’s not that bad. Maybe because half of what I feel is also numbness.

Come on life. Give more of your shits to our life. We don’t really care. Maybe it will kill us. Maybe it will make us stronger. I don’t really give a shit.

an update

I feel terrible lately. Terrible might not be the right word, probably….numb. I woke up in several mornings, feeling like shit. I feel that its not only my mind and my mental health that are deteriorating, it’s my body too. I feel physically very very weak. My tummy feels like its going to explode at any minute, I had several terrible breakouts (just when I think that i finally get the hang of my face skin), my hair feels really weak, it has lost its wave and shiny now, my skin feels really really dry. I really need to take care of myself. And I don’t know how to start…

Not to mention that my partner is having his depression stage again. I want to cheer him up and to support him and all, but I start to feel lost in the process. I feel like I’m going to drawn myself in the sea of depression and sadness. He needs to see me often, but I still have responsibilities in office. I can’t just take my annual leave whenever I want, that’s not how it works. I can’t also keep pretending that I get sick, I feel terrible lying and it’s not good for my career too (not that I care about it). In dark times I can feel myself wanting to give up,  I can’t support my partner when I myself is also lost.

Anyway, I applied for internal auditor position in one of the biggest e-commerce now. Still haven’t heard from them since last week. I probably should apply to another place, but I really don’t find working in office (big or small) fits me.  I think working freelance suits me better, I can set up my working pace the way I think is best, and I can also take care of my online shop again. Speaking of online shop, I feel that the biggest stress came from thinking of it, from planning it, from dreaming of it. I don’t know where to start, and I think I haven’t made any progress whatsoever… I believe this small business would help me for my plan in the future; live by my own. That’s probably the biggest dream i have now. If I ever get to live by my own in my desire apartment, I feel like I would be finally satisfied with my self. Maybe I would be able to do self-love, no matter how bullshit that may sound like.

The fall

I spent the entire day with my parner. When he was going home, i felt my heart sunk a little bit. I took a shower. I wore my sheet mask. I ordered some food. I tried to watch Narcos, but the show failed to interest me.

I scrolled through my instagram feed and found that my favorite couple just got enganged today, after a 7 year relationship. Suddenly I was afraid of my future, i started seeing no future with my partner. Things have been going great, but today I find myself feeling numb. Even after being intimate with each other, i still find that something is missing. The last 7 days I started feel the boredom. I’ve seen relationships so bad that I feel like me and my partner are different. We are good and we’re going to be okay, i thought.

But we’re not, now. Our future feels blurry, I can’t see the picture of us in the future. I feel like a blind person guiding a blind person. I feel lost, not just in relationship, but also in other aspects of my life. 

Tonight, I started crying for no reason. For the first time in months, I just feel so lonely. Maybe my depression fase will start soon. I dont know how to prepare myself for this.

About living alone

I’ve always had this dream about moving out of my parents’ house and live by my own in an apartment. Now that I have my partner by my side, I’ve started adding him to the big picture. Perhaps we can start live together? I dont know, maybe it’s the right time to start paying the apartment installment together? We’re almost 2 years together, and I’m pretty sure we’re compatible enough to start living together. I want to know him enough before I get married to him. I don’t want my marriage turn to be a big surprise for me.

Beside, I want more freedom. I hate having to inform my father what time i would go home, where and with who i am going. I hate having to pretend going to church every sunday when in fact i never feel like going there, at all. I want to have a pupper as my pet, but it’s not going to happen as long as i still live with my parents.

And the most important thing, I want to feel like an adult. An adult who knows how to take care of herself. An adult who knows what she wants to do and how to make the best of it. An adult who doesnt need anyone’s permission to do what she wants. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine (one whose wisdom i actually admire) said to me that he had a plan to move out of his parents house and rent an apartment together with his girlfriend. His relationship had just started (probably for 2 or 3 months), so his words kinda surprised me back then. I knew him as a wise man, a man who doesnt do something without thorough thinking. I personally thought that living together was to early for a young relationship, and i thought it could turn ugly someday. Moreover, i did not think he was that serious.

Until earlier this morning, i found out that he actually has just did it! I’m proud of him, but at the same time i feel bad for myself. I mean, i am the one who has that dream for so long, and my relationship has also been longer than his, shouldnt it be me who actually did that big step first?

See, sometimes you have that friend who actually achieves things you actually consider important, and he/she does it without telling everything under the sun. He/she just does it, easy and ellegantly.

And here I am, with my dreams on the back of my mind, thinking and thinking of them every minute I am alone, but does, does literally nothing to achieve them. 

No such thing

Akhir-akhir ini, di tengah kesibukan peak season audit, pikiran gue melanglang buana ke hal-hal lain. I know I don’t belong here, at all. I’m not bad, but I’m nowhere above average. Kemaren-kemaren di kantor lagi pada sibuk ngomongin performance review dan promotion. Gue udah lihat hasil review kerjaan-kerjaan gue untuk setiap client yang gue audit 8 bulan ini. Ada beberapa yg On Target, sisanya On Target+. Nothing special, yang lain juga gitu. Sebenernya ini lucu sih, karena gue suka berpikir kalo gue adalah orang yang ga akan jadi orang dengan performance yang rata-rata. Gue ga tau sih apa yang salah. I just could not find higher motivation to work. Gue ngerasa kayak kemampuan gue wasted aja di sini, karena yeah, i think i don’t belong here. This is not I want to do in a long time. Tapi kenapa gue masih stay di sini?

Yeah, gue pengecut. Gue masih takut untuk take that big leap and resign. Selain takut, gue juga masih ga tau mau ngapain dengan diri gue sendiri. Gue sebenernya udah punya gambaran apa yang gue suka dan pengen gue jalanin dari dulu, yaitu untuk bikin bisnis, to work for myself. Okeh, ini emang terdengar cliche abis sih, dan super basic. Karena, siapa juga sih di jaman sekarang yang gak pengen bikin bisnis?

Tapi yah itu, emang gue sukanya itu, mau gimana. Gue udah sempet ngerasain enaknya bisnis sendiri, ngebangun hisnis bener-bener dari O sampe jadi bisa ngelayanin ratusan customer. Dari gak punya duit sendiri, tiba-tiba jadi bisa beli apa apa tanpa kelamaan mikir. And it felt great, i felt alive. I felt like holding the world in the palm of my hand.

And it feels totaly different with what i’m doing now. I feel devastated, wasted. I feel tired all.the.time. I truly hate waking up in the morning only to realize that today is nowhere near weekend. I loathe monday, and on sunday afternoon i usually develop anxiety. On monday morning never I not feel nauseous. I depend on my coffee every single morning to calm my shit. These days I have been working about 16 hours every day, I feel like a zombie; working to build a company I could not care less and one who also does not give me a single damn.

Setiap saat gue melihat senior-senior gue yang termotivasi untuk kerja, dengan performa yang super tinggi, gue selalu bertanya-tanya, kenapa gue gak bisa kayak mereka. What am I doing wrong?

Kalo orang lain suka kepo mantan, atau kepo cewe-cewe cantik, atau kepo gebetan, kerjaan gue di intermet adalah kepo para pemilik bisnis yang udah gede. No, i’m not talking about the owner or a big corporation here. I’m talking about a young owner of a small business, who is growing. There is this girl whose business I’ve been kepoing for quite a lot of time. She started her small business a couple of years ago, and boy, did she start small. She sells cool underwear for women, and the business has grown so big that everytime she goes live in instagram, there are usually hundreds of girls to watch her. And no, she doesn’t talk about anything important, she just talks about her products, and all those potential customers listen. I’m truly amazed and i feel thrilled everytime i think of it. 

I am in this position where I don’t think money matters that much. Sure I still need all those money to buy all my expensive skincare product and all those money to install for my apartment, sure i still want to take my family to europe, but I think i’ll do it not by working here. Nope, nope.

Sebuah pikiran yang terbesit

Sore ini, sambil ngescan ratusan dokumen..

Ini sebenernya gue ngapain yak di sini?

Lel-ah.

Hari ini gue 3 kali nangis, karena 3 orang yang berbeda, di 3 tempat yang berbeda. What a pretty messed up day. Lelah. Mungkin itu 1 kata yang bisa ngerangkum semuanya. I’m tired of being let down by people. Setahun yang lalu gue pernah nulis ini, dan ternyata gue gak belajar dari kesalahan. Maybe it’s time for me to start trusting no one again, even my loved ones. Instead of believing in others, maybe i should put trust a lil bit more to….mmh..god? (lol no. But mmh, maybe..?) myself. 

Another note, tahap menuju kedewasaan itu melelahkan ya. Kayaknya “lompatan” paling besar menuju kedewasaan itu ketika gue lulus kuliah. Gue jadi tahu beratnya cari duit sendiri (meskipun sebenernya dari kuliah gue udah cari duit sendiri sih, tapi ini level nya beda). Tadi sore gue baru narik duit di atm dan ternyata saldo gue tinggal IDR 5.000,00 loh gengs. Ini pertama kalinya dalam hidup gue ngeliat saldo cuman 4 digit di layar atm. Dan emang cukup bikin ketar-ketir sih. Apalagi baru seminggu yang lalu gue apply kartu kredit. Alamat ini mah permohonan gue bakalan ditolak. LOL

Anyway, apart from being broke, gue juga jadi tahu betapa kompleks dan broken nya manusia, at least manusia-manusia yang gue kenal (diri gue sendiri juga termasuk, tentunya). Gue jadi mulai ngerti kalo real friendship is real hard to find (if there is such a thing). Bahkan sahabat lo yang udah lo kenal dalam hitungan tahun bisa jadi orang yang paling bikin lo kecewa. Maybe I should start picking those to whom i want to keep close. I don’t need huge amount of friends, I just need a couple of people i can safely believe won’t say or think anything bad about me or my life or about people i choose to love. Those who won’t question my ability to make my own decision. Simply, those who are not toxic. 

My relationship also made me learn a lot. Most importantly, how to keep my ego aside-a skill i am really not good at; and how to be faithful, most importantly, when life is bitching you both.

until next time.

 

in my life

There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more
In my life– I love you more

Long time ago, my partner once told me he was thinking about this particular song, that somehow was connected to me. He told me to quickly listen to the song and to also read the lyric carefuly. “It’s for you”, he said.

I wasn’t very into the song at first. It was good, yes. It was very sweet, damn yep. But that’s it. We were in the first couple of months of our relationship, so I didn’t really think he really really meant it when he told me the sweet song was for me. Nor did I think he really felt what was said in the song. I thought of it just as a nice, small romantic gesture to his new girlfriend, and…that was really okay for me. I always love it when he tells me to listen to a particular song, only to find out in the end that the song is for me, or that the song describes his feelings to me, or that the song reminds him of me. I knew he didn’t really mean them, but it was okay. It felt nice, but that was it 

Fast forward to last week when we went to a cinema to watch this documentary movie about The Beatles. I wasn’t into the band, but it was nice to get to know his favorite band a bit better, so we sat there and watched the movie together for about 2 hours. I surprisingly enjoyed the movie a lot. My boyfriend? He was like a kid on his way to theme park, excited as heck for the entire film.

The movie contained lots and lots of The Beatles’ songs (big surprise..!) and i got to admit, almost all of them was good. I even found myself humming a couple of parts from some songs while i was taking a pee (LOL)

Anyway, being the curious person I was, i then asked him what his favorite song from the Beatles was. To my surprise, “It’s In My Life”, he said.

All of a sudden i thought of the particular moment long ago when he told me the song was for me. Smiled, i realized that somehow now, I managed to believe that that the song was about me.

If you read the lyric, you may find that the song is not necessarily about someone who is reminiscing his past. It’s more about expressing one’s love for someone, by comparing them to the past. Rather than simply saying “i love you”, The Beatles decide to compare their newfound love to everything they have known to love and cherish their entire lives. It’s like saying,”compared to even the most cherished of all of my life’s memories, I still love you more“.

And compared to before, I finally managed to believe that maybe, I was worth that amount of love from someone as good as him.