Wai Nut

hard times

It’s been months since I resigned from my previous job. I was happy,….for a while. Until I started worrying about….money. Nothing more but money. I have lots of free time I can do practically anything, but here I am, feeling bad for myself. If there is one period of time when I feel the most doubt in myself, it’s these days. Now. At this moment. I could not even be brave enough to do a simple translation work. Until 23 years, all of a sudden I realize that I have no skills at all. I’m never really really good at something. I used to think I’m smart, at least I’m quite good academically, I also thought that I wasn’t bad AT ALL at becoming an auditor (my previous job), I also had no doubt that I would go smoothly climbing the corporate ladder, no matter how shallow it sounds like. I even had seniors tell me that I did a great job. I rarely had doubts about my capacity to work.

Then why now, all of a sudden, I lose my confidence in myself? I could not even perform an easy task without doubting myself.

There is this movie called Microhabitat starring my favorite actress E-som. It’s about this young woman named Mi-So who has been working as a housekeeper for the past 3 years and she makes 45,000 won ($40) a day. She loves drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. Her boyfriend wants to become a webtoon writer. Although she is poor, she is happy as long as she has whiskey, cigarettes, and her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the prices of cigarettes go up on the first day of the new year. Mi-So has to give something up and she decides to give up her apartment.

Such a simple plot but it resonates with me so much. Just like her, I am poor, but I don’t want to give up my value, which is (time) freedom. For her, it’s whiskey and cigarettes. And just like her, I love spending time with my boyfriend too. And if it’s not enough, my boyfriend is also struggling financially, just like her boyfriend LOL. But if she decides to give up her apartment, I don’t know what I’m giving up…

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Do you know how it feels to see someone you love is hurting every single day, yet anything you do doesn’t seem to ease his pain?

I don’t want to be a superhero or some kind of a savior who save someone’s life. I just want you to smile again. I don’t want you to lose hope.

You were always there when I was at my worst. But when you are in the lowest point in your life, i am useless. I am a useless partner and I am not good enough.

my kind of luxury

2.41 PM Wednesday, reading my kind of book and sipping a glass of creamy cheap kopi susu at a small cafe in Kelapa Gading

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a beautiful day with my man 🙂

all at sea

Gue mau cerita aja hari ini.

Hari ini hari Senin. Beda kayak sebelum-sebelumnya, gue ga merasa anxious nenghadapi senin. Hari minggu malem kemaren gue sama sekali ga uring-uringan, dan gue tadi pagi bangun dengan perasaan semangat.

Apa yang beda di hari ini dibanding hari-hari biasanya?

Gue ga ngantor.

Iya, gue akhirnya resign.

Dan gue ngerasa amat sangat awesome. Gue ngerasa luar biasa. Gue ngerasa hepi banget.

Ternyata freedom rasanya kayak gini.

Gue nge gym sebentar, trus cabut ke Sarinah buat ketemu pacar gue. Abis makan di mcd, kita cabut ke perpustakaan Freedom Institute dan ngabisin waktu sekitar 1 jam disana. Abis dari situ, kita jalan kaki 10 menit ke Kopi Bu Lurah.

dav

Ngobrol-ngobrol sama pacar gue sambil dengerin orang main alat musik jawa, tiba-tiba gue nyadar..

Udah lama banget gue ga ngerasa sebahagia ini. Asli. Gue ngerasa bener-bener awesome. Udah ga kehitung berapa kali gue senyum hari itu.

Kopinya dateng, dan rasanya enak banget. Kita pesen kue cubit dan mendoan. Semuanya enak, dan murah. Abis dari situ kita pesen uber ke Kokas. Di situ kita jalan-jalan dan ngobrol ngalur ngidul. Kita nyanyi lagunya Jamie Cullum yang All at Sea sambil pelukan. I felt like I was the happiest person in the world.

Dari SMA gue udah suka banget lagunya Jamie Cullum, dan setelah bertahun-tahun gue belum pernah ketemu orang yang bisa gue ajak ngomongin dia, or Linkin Park, or even Jason Mraz. Ga ada satupun temen gue di dunia nyata yang tau betapa sukanya gue suka sama Jamie.

Dan sekarang ga ada angin ga ada ujan, tiba-tiba pacar gue nyanyi salah satu lagu favorit gue dari Jamie. Dan kita berdebat siapa yang paling suka sama Jamie. Gue ngerasa gue kayak di awang-awang.

Pas lagi ngobrol, pacar gue tiba-tiba bilang, “Gue mau bilang sesuatu”

Gue potong omongan dia, “apaan, jangan aneh-aneh. Gue udah deg-degan ini”

Sambil senyum dia bilang, “Gue rasa ini jalan-jalan kita yang paling gue senengin selama setahun ini”

Capture (2)

All of my friends are settling down

They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

I want an ocean view, somewhere
As long as I’m next to you, I don’t care
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

All of my friends are settling down
They’re only kids but they’re married now
Let’s follow the lights
Let’s follow the crowd
Baby we got to get out
Let’s get out of this town

Nothing ever changes here, I know
Another day, another year, same old
I don’t wanna live my life in circles
I just wanna find an empty road
Let’s get away from here, let’s go

Setiap hari denger berita orang ngurusin hidup orang lain, ngurusin kelamin orang lain, ngurusin preferensi seksual orang lain. Setiap hari gue denger orang sotoy berdebat tolol tentang agama. Setiap hari gue denger orang-orang religious berkotbah seakan-akan orang di sekitarny adalah domba yang hilang, yang butuh diselamatkan. Setiap hari orang ribut di social media, ngomongin agama, ngomongin selangkangan orang, ngomongin semua hal-hal privat yang sama sekali tidak ada urusannya dengan mereka. Setiap hari gue harus tahan diri sendiri untuk ga ketrigger setiap ada orang-orang privilleged & ignorant mendiskreditkan nilai-nilai yang gue percaya. Setiap tahun gue harus memperhatikan temen-temen deket gue menolak untuk mengucapkan selamat natal ke gue. Setiap tahun gue harus menyimak semua debat panjang tentang ucapan selamat natal.

Kalian semua kenapa sih? Masing-masinh punya otak dan hati nurani. Kenapa sih susah banget untuk dipakai? Sudah tau agama kalian bertentangan dengan hati nurani kalian, kenapa sih harus tetap dipeluk? Apa sih yang kalian kejar? Surga? Makan itu surga. Tahik.

I deserve better.

I deserve someone better.

I deserve something better.

I deserve anything better than this.

nothingness

His uncle has just passed away. I don’t know how the heck can he survive through this constant sea of sadness and depression. I don’t know how I am able to survive either.

Honestly, I should’ve felt terrible now. But it’s not that bad. Maybe because half of what I feel is also numbness.

Come on life. Give more of your shits to our life. We don’t really care. Maybe it will kill us. Maybe it will make us stronger. I don’t really give a shit.

an update

I feel terrible lately. Terrible might not be the right word, probably….numb. I woke up in several mornings, feeling like shit. I feel that its not only my mind and my mental health that are deteriorating, it’s my body too. I feel physically very very weak. My tummy feels like its going to explode at any minute, I had several terrible breakouts (just when I think that i finally get the hang of my face skin), my hair feels really weak, it has lost its wave and shiny now, my skin feels really really dry. I really need to take care of myself. And I don’t know how to start…

Not to mention that my partner is having his depression stage again. I want to cheer him up and to support him and all, but I start to feel lost in the process. I feel like I’m going to drawn myself in the sea of depression and sadness. He needs to see me often, but I still have responsibilities in office. I can’t just take my annual leave whenever I want, that’s not how it works. I can’t also keep pretending that I get sick, I feel terrible lying and it’s not good for my career too (not that I care about it). In dark times I can feel myself wanting to give up,  I can’t support my partner when I myself is also lost.

Anyway, I applied for internal auditor position in one of the biggest e-commerce now. Still haven’t heard from them since last week. I probably should apply to another place, but I really don’t find working in office (big or small) fits me.  I think working freelance suits me better, I can set up my working pace the way I think is best, and I can also take care of my online shop again. Speaking of online shop, I feel that the biggest stress came from thinking of it, from planning it, from dreaming of it. I don’t know where to start, and I think I haven’t made any progress whatsoever… I believe this small business would help me for my plan in the future; live by my own. That’s probably the biggest dream i have now. If I ever get to live by my own in my desire apartment, I feel like I would be finally satisfied with my self. Maybe I would be able to do self-love, no matter how bullshit that may sound like.

The fall

I spent the entire day with my parner. When he was going home, i felt my heart sunk a little bit. I took a shower. I wore my sheet mask. I ordered some food. I tried to watch Narcos, but the show failed to interest me.

I scrolled through my instagram feed and found that my favorite couple just got enganged today, after a 7 year relationship. Suddenly I was afraid of my future, i started seeing no future with my partner. Things have been going great, but today I find myself feeling numb. Even after being intimate with each other, i still find that something is missing. The last 7 days I started feel the boredom. I’ve seen relationships so bad that I feel like me and my partner are different. We are good and we’re going to be okay, i thought.

But we’re not, now. Our future feels blurry, I can’t see the picture of us in the future. I feel like a blind person guiding a blind person. I feel lost, not just in relationship, but also in other aspects of my life. 

Tonight, I started crying for no reason. For the first time in months, I just feel so lonely. Maybe my depression fase will start soon. I dont know how to prepare myself for this.