a beautiful mess

About living alone

I’ve always had this dream about moving out of my parents’ house and live by my own in an apartment. Now that I have my partner by my side, I’ve started adding him to the big picture. Perhaps we can start live together? I dont know, maybe it’s the right time to start paying the apartment installment together? We’re almost 2 years together, and I’m pretty sure we’re compatible enough to start living together. I want to know him enough before I get married to him. I don’t want my marriage turn to be a big surprise for me.

Beside, I want more freedom. I hate having to inform my father what time i would go home, where and with who i am going. I hate having to pretend going to church every sunday when in fact i never feel like going there, at all. I want to have a pupper as my pet, but it’s not going to happen as long as i still live with my parents.

And the most important thing, I want to feel like an adult. An adult who knows how to take care of herself. An adult who knows what she wants to do and how to make the best of it. An adult who doesnt need anyone’s permission to do what she wants. 

Earlier this year, a friend of mine (one whose wisdom i actually admire) said to me that he had a plan to move out of his parents house and rent an apartment together with his girlfriend. His relationship had just started (probably for 2 or 3 months), so his words kinda surprised me back then. I knew him as a wise man, a man who doesnt do something without thorough thinking. I personally thought that living together was to early for a young relationship, and i thought it could turn ugly someday. Moreover, i did not think he was that serious.

Until earlier this morning, i found out that he actually has just did it! I’m proud of him, but at the same time i feel bad for myself. I mean, i am the one who has that dream for so long, and my relationship has also been longer than his, shouldnt it be me who actually did that big step first?

See, sometimes you have that friend who actually achieves things you actually consider important, and he/she does it without telling everything under the sun. He/she just does it, easy and ellegantly.

And here I am, with my dreams on the back of my mind, thinking and thinking of them every minute I am alone, but does, does literally nothing to achieve them. 

No such thing

Akhir-akhir ini, di tengah kesibukan peak season audit, pikiran gue melanglang buana ke hal-hal lain. I know I don’t belong here, at all. I’m not bad, but I’m nowhere above average. Kemaren-kemaren di kantor lagi pada sibuk ngomongin performance review dan promotion. Gue udah lihat hasil review kerjaan-kerjaan gue untuk setiap client yang gue audit 8 bulan ini. Ada beberapa yg On Target, sisanya On Target+. Nothing special, yang lain juga gitu. Sebenernya ini lucu sih, karena gue suka berpikir kalo gue adalah orang yang ga akan jadi orang dengan performance yang rata-rata. Gue ga tau sih apa yang salah. I just could not find higher motivation to work. Gue ngerasa kayak kemampuan gue wasted aja di sini, karena yeah, i think i don’t belong here. This is not I want to do in a long time. Tapi kenapa gue masih stay di sini?

Yeah, gue pengecut. Gue masih takut untuk take that big leap and resign. Selain takut, gue juga masih ga tau mau ngapain dengan diri gue sendiri. Gue sebenernya udah punya gambaran apa yang gue suka dan pengen gue jalanin dari dulu, yaitu untuk bikin bisnis, to work for myself. Okeh, ini emang terdengar cliche abis sih, dan super basic. Karena, siapa juga sih di jaman sekarang yang gak pengen bikin bisnis?

Tapi yah itu, emang gue sukanya itu, mau gimana. Gue udah sempet ngerasain enaknya bisnis sendiri, ngebangun hisnis bener-bener dari O sampe jadi bisa ngelayanin ratusan customer. Dari gak punya duit sendiri, tiba-tiba jadi bisa beli apa apa tanpa kelamaan mikir. And it felt great, i felt alive. I felt like holding the world in the palm of my hand.

And it feels totaly different with what i’m doing now. I feel devastated, wasted. I feel tired all.the.time. I truly hate waking up in the morning only to realize that today is nowhere near weekend. I loathe monday, and on sunday afternoon i usually develop anxiety. On monday morning never I not feel nauseous. I depend on my coffee every single morning to calm my shit. These days I have been working about 16 hours every day, I feel like a zombie; working to build a company I could not care less and one who also does not give me a single damn.

Setiap saat gue melihat senior-senior gue yang termotivasi untuk kerja, dengan performa yang super tinggi, gue selalu bertanya-tanya, kenapa gue gak bisa kayak mereka. What am I doing wrong?

Kalo orang lain suka kepo mantan, atau kepo cewe-cewe cantik, atau kepo gebetan, kerjaan gue di intermet adalah kepo para pemilik bisnis yang udah gede. No, i’m not talking about the owner or a big corporation here. I’m talking about a young owner of a small business, who is growing. There is this girl whose business I’ve been kepoing for quite a lot of time. She started her small business a couple of years ago, and boy, did she start small. She sells cool underwear for women, and the business has grown so big that everytime she goes live in instagram, there are usually hundreds of girls to watch her. And no, she doesn’t talk about anything important, she just talks about her products, and all those potential customers listen. I’m truly amazed and i feel thrilled everytime i think of it. 

I am in this position where I don’t think money matters that much. Sure I still need all those money to buy all my expensive skincare product and all those money to install for my apartment, sure i still want to take my family to europe, but I think i’ll do it not by working here. Nope, nope.

Sebuah pikiran yang terbesit

Sore ini, sambil ngescan ratusan dokumen..

Ini sebenernya gue ngapain yak di sini?

Lel-ah.

Hari ini gue 3 kali nangis, karena 3 orang yang berbeda, di 3 tempat yang berbeda. What a pretty messed up day. Lelah. Mungkin itu 1 kata yang bisa ngerangkum semuanya. I’m tired of being let down by people. Setahun yang lalu gue pernah nulis ini, dan ternyata gue gak belajar dari kesalahan. Maybe it’s time for me to start trusting no one again, even my loved ones. Instead of believing in others, maybe i should put trust a lil bit more to….mmh..god? (lol no. But mmh, maybe..?) myself. 

Another note, tahap menuju kedewasaan itu melelahkan ya. Kayaknya “lompatan” paling besar menuju kedewasaan itu ketika gue lulus kuliah. Gue jadi tahu beratnya cari duit sendiri (meskipun sebenernya dari kuliah gue udah cari duit sendiri sih, tapi ini level nya beda). Tadi sore gue baru narik duit di atm dan ternyata saldo gue tinggal IDR 5.000,00 loh gengs. Ini pertama kalinya dalam hidup gue ngeliat saldo cuman 4 digit di layar atm. Dan emang cukup bikin ketar-ketir sih. Apalagi baru seminggu yang lalu gue apply kartu kredit. Alamat ini mah permohonan gue bakalan ditolak. LOL

Anyway, apart from being broke, gue juga jadi tahu betapa kompleks dan broken nya manusia, at least manusia-manusia yang gue kenal (diri gue sendiri juga termasuk, tentunya). Gue jadi mulai ngerti kalo real friendship is real hard to find (if there is such a thing). Bahkan sahabat lo yang udah lo kenal dalam hitungan tahun bisa jadi orang yang paling bikin lo kecewa. Maybe I should start picking those to whom i want to keep close. I don’t need huge amount of friends, I just need a couple of people i can safely believe won’t say or think anything bad about me or my life or about people i choose to love. Those who won’t question my ability to make my own decision. Simply, those who are not toxic. 

My relationship also made me learn a lot. Most importantly, how to keep my ego aside-a skill i am really not good at; and how to be faithful, most importantly, when life is bitching you both.

until next time.

 

in my life

There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more
In my life– I love you more

Long time ago, my partner once told me he was thinking about this particular song, that somehow was connected to me. He told me to quickly listen to the song and to also read the lyric carefuly. “It’s for you”, he said.

I wasn’t very into the song at first. It was good, yes. It was very sweet, damn yep. But that’s it. We were in the first couple of months of our relationship, so I didn’t really think he really really meant it when he told me the sweet song was for me. Nor did I think he really felt what was said in the song. I thought of it just as a nice, small romantic gesture to his new girlfriend, and…that was really okay for me. I always love it when he tells me to listen to a particular song, only to find out in the end that the song is for me, or that the song describes his feelings to me, or that the song reminds him of me. I knew he didn’t really mean them, but it was okay. It felt nice, but that was it 

Fast forward to last week when we went to a cinema to watch this documentary movie about The Beatles. I wasn’t into the band, but it was nice to get to know his favorite band a bit better, so we sat there and watched the movie together for about 2 hours. I surprisingly enjoyed the movie a lot. My boyfriend? He was like a kid on his way to theme park, excited as heck for the entire film.

The movie contained lots and lots of The Beatles’ songs (big surprise..!) and i got to admit, almost all of them was good. I even found myself humming a couple of parts from some songs while i was taking a pee (LOL)

Anyway, being the curious person I was, i then asked him what his favorite song from the Beatles was. To my surprise, “It’s In My Life”, he said.

All of a sudden i thought of the particular moment long ago when he told me the song was for me. Smiled, i realized that somehow now, I managed to believe that that the song was about me.

If you read the lyric, you may find that the song is not necessarily about someone who is reminiscing his past. It’s more about expressing one’s love for someone, by comparing them to the past. Rather than simply saying “i love you”, The Beatles decide to compare their newfound love to everything they have known to love and cherish their entire lives. It’s like saying,”compared to even the most cherished of all of my life’s memories, I still love you more“.

And compared to before, I finally managed to believe that maybe, I was worth that amount of love from someone as good as him.

so many insecurities, so little time.

These days I found my self crying as soon as i got home, for no reason. I honestly have no idea why i cry a lot. I don’t know how I am able to produce such amount of tears and I’m scared that maybe, maybe I am depressed. I get sad a lot and sometimes I cry so hard i need to find way to breathe. And I cry tears over every single little thing. I cry over a short paragraph of a light novel, over a good song, over a short text message, over a pic of pupper, over missing my significant other, over loneliness, over boredom, over little argument, over tiredness, over everything. I can find reasons to be sad, over anything. I have even given up looking for happiness. There’s no point in looking for something that does not exist to begin with; something that is just a myth; something that doesn’t belong to me. Every time I get joyful, this self can find every possible reason to keep the happiness away. Sometimes I believe I’m so unworthy of being loved, that I’m not good at anything and that nobody will ever want to be with me. Sometimes I’m scared my boyfriend will find out how deep a mess I actually am.

Maybe he already knew.

Maybe he will leave me soon.

First Client

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Gue mau cerita-cerita sedikit tentang pengalaman gue audit klien pertama (#cieeee). Kantor klien gue di daerah karawang, jadi gue kudu nginep di hotel selama seminggu. Kerjaan gue gak banyak-banyak amat sih, maklum lah masih auditor ingusan belum ngerti apa-apa. Gue kerja dari jam 9 sampe jam 6 (the usual working hour di kantor gue), abis itu makan malem terus langsung balik ke hotel. Di hotel, abis bebenah diri, gue masih lanjut lagi kerja. Gak lama sih, paling 3 jam aja, abis itu tidur. Satu hal yang kerasa banget bedanya dibanding pas gue magang di awal tahun lalu adalah…lembur ga kerasa berat (atau setidaknya, belum). Gak kerasa berat karena emang gue lembur dengan kemauan gue sendiri, gue sadar kerjaan gue masih belum kelar dan gue memang harus lembur supaya bisa ngumpulin tepat waktu. Gue sekamar sama senior gue, tapi dia gak bikin gue ngerasa terpaksa harus lembur. Gue lembur emang karena kemauan sendiri, dan percaya enggak percaya, lemburnya jadi gak kerasa terlalu berat. Coba kalo dibandingin pas gue magang kemaren. Gue (terpaksa) lembur, tapi gak tau apa yang mau dilemburin hahahahaha

Anyway, di hari pertama gue kerja, 2 senior di tim gue lagi tes kerja ngelamar di tempat lain. What a way to start my first day at work LOL. Dan kerja seminggu di luar kota sebagai auditor bikin gue ngerasa jauh banget dari peradaban. Tentu aja gue masih chat-chat sama keluarga, temen, mas pacar. Tapi gue tetep ngerasa…..kesepian. Gak tau sih, gue ngerasa kayak butuh banget real human interaction, tapi kayaknya sehari-hari fokus gue di kerjaan mulu. I just miss the honest, genuine long talk with my loved ones. Bukan gimana-gimana sih, gue sadar emang harus ada trade off nya dalam setiap pekerjaan, tapi entah kenapa work-life imbalance nya itu udah mulai kerasa aja seminggu ini. Tapi…. gue masih belum pengen resign kok (ya iyalah hahahaha).

Gue masih beruntung sih. Temen gue udah sebulanan kerja di KAP lain (tempat gue magang di awal tahun lalu), dan baru 3 minggu dia udah diskusi sama kita-kita mempertanyakan keputusan dia untuk resign secepatnya. Maklum sih, dia lembur setiap hari, pulang pagi, sabtu dan minggu juga disuruh masuk. Selain itu, dia juga megang banyak banget WP (Working Paper), jadi gue tau sih pressure nya kayak gimana. Gue tau sih suatu saat gue akan masuk di masa-masa itu. Dan gue harap gue bisa survive.

Anyway, besok gue ke client yang baru, di daerah Cimanggis. Semoga gue bisa perform lebih bagus dari yang kemaren, karena di client yang kemaren itu, jujur aja, gue ngerasa gak perform. Time management nya masih jelek, mengambil keputusan juga masih lama, belum bikin strategi kerja, dan lain-lain. I hope I can do better 🙂

 

 

It’s gettin scary

Akhir-akhir ini gue ngerasa takut. Gue baru aja mengambil suatu keputusan maha penting mengenai pekerjaan, yang kemungkinan besar akan sangat berpengaruh dalam kehidupan gue selama setidaknya setahun kedepan. Gue memang sudah mengambil keputusan tersebut, tapi gue masih aja mempertanyakan apakah keputusan yang gue ambil ini adalah keputusan yang terbaik atau enggak. Emang sih, mempertanyakan hal-hal yang belum terjadi itu sedikit enggak berguna, but I can’t help it.

Gue harus menolak pekerjaan yang sangat gue sukai, di tengah lingkungan yang sangat nyaman, dengan atasan yang secara pribadi gue kagumi; mereka bisa menghargai semua usaha gue (yang sebenernya enggak seberapa) dan mereka enggak menyepelekan gue meskipun gue hanyalah seorang bocah ingusan yang baru aja lulus kuliah.

Gue memutuskan untuk gabung ke salah satu firma terbesar di dunia, sebagai associate, dengan ritme kerja yang sangat enggak gue sukai. Sebenernya gue menyukai pekerjaannya, gue suka ilmu dan skill yang bisa gue dapatkan selama kerja disini, dan jujur aja, gue juga suka prestige dari nama besar firma ini, but I just don’t like how it consumes all my life. Life is much more beyond working, and I don’t think I’m ready to give in my life yet. To be honest, gue takut kejadian pas gue magang di awal tahun lalu kejadian lagi. I’m scared to be unhappy, I’ve been unhappy for whole 3 months and it didn’t taste good. I’m scared if I just made one of the worst decisions in my entire life.

Hari ini hari pertama gue kerja, by the way. And the good impression I have so far about the firm started to disappear. Dari jam 11 sampai jam 3, kerjaan gue adalah menunggu laptop gue di set up. Kayaknya enggak berlebihan ya kalau gue berharap laptop gue sudah siap sedia ketika gue menginjakkan kaki di kantor. Gue berharap gue gak perlu bolak-balik cuman buat cari laptop yang decent, lengkap dengan tempat laptopnya. Gue berharap semua sudah di instal dan siap gue ambil di hari pertama gue kerja. But I think I made my hopes too high. It’s partly my fault then. 

Today I also celebrated one year anniversary with my boyfriend. I’m grateful that I still have someone as awesome as him when things start to fall apart. I’m beyond amazed that someone can still love me even when I’m at my worst. The idea that someone, can find reasons everyday to keep being with me is beyond me.

Happy anniversary, Kev. I can’t say it’s a good day, but still, you were with me and I think it’s fair enough. 

 

Yesterday’s conversation on Calamari

neck kisses, I guess.

what are your favorite physical sensations?

neck kisses